


I Love You

by daintylemonsquare



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Allusion to Julian potentially overdosing, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Just lots of drug stuff you guys, M/M, Reform!verse, This is seriously how I picture reform!Juliark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28205484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daintylemonsquare/pseuds/daintylemonsquare
Summary: Julian's looking for Clark and Clark is over it.
Relationships: Julian Larson-Armstrong/Clark Sawyer
Kudos: 4





	I Love You

Julian Larson left six voice messages and thirty-six texts before Clark Sawyer answered him.

“He’s alive! Hey, baby. I was just seeing the sights and I was wondering where you were. I miss you…Hello? Clark?”

“…Julian, are you high?”

“Does it matter?”

“Answer the question, please.”

“Woah. Please. How polite…I’m only a little high. It’s Friday. Saturday. It’s whatever. Nothing too much. Literally just the tiniest whiff of coke. Promise…Why the long sigh, Popstar? Don’t tell me you’re already calling it a night.”

“You just got back from rehab. From Dalton.”

“Yeah. So?”

“You got back a month ago and now is the time you choose to call me? When you’re high? What’re you—This isn’t funny, Julian!”

“You used to be fun, Sawyer. What happened?”

“What happened was I realized I only existed to you when you’re high or when you want to be high.”

“Yeah, so? That’s our thing.”

“It didn’t use to be.”

“What? You want it to be just like the good ol’ days when everything was squeaky clean and neither of us could say ‘fuck’ without the whole world freaking out about it?”

“No. No! That’s not what I meant. Julian, we were friends.”

“We’re still friends!”

“No, we’re not. Julian…I’ve…Julian, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be your favorite plaything anymore. Go find someone else to go fuck and get high with. I’m done.”

“…You’re done? With what? Us? There was no us to begin with.”

“You fucking know that’s not the truth.”

“You’re just a plaything, Clark. Like you said. Not even my favorite. And you’re such a fucking hypocrite. You want me to be sober now? When you and your boyband get high all the damn time?! At concerts? At interviews? During recording? Why are you suddenly so high and mighty? Fuck you!”

“And I haven’t been doing that ever since you went to rehab. I told you. I texted you. I tried to call you. I even tried to pass the message to Carmen. Do I hear anything from you? No. I can’t reach you when you’re out of rehab. For a month, Jules, we’re in the same city and you don’t even think of me and now that you’re high again, you—fuck… Do you even like being around me when you’re sober? Do you even think of me when you are? Or am I just your easy boytoy who will come at your beck and call? Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh.”

“The truth is Clark, I don’t. You’re right. You’re just so easy. So bland. So predictable. You’re so lucky you’ve got a big dick because it wouldn’t have been worth it…What? Nothing left to say from your fabricated moral high ground?”

“…I loved you, Julian. Do you know that? I told you that all the time we were together and I’m always so unsure if you hear me or if you were too high to ever think it was real. I loved you. I still do and it fucking hurts to hear you say that even though I know—I _know_ —you don’t mean it…And what hurts more is believing that, at some point, beneath all that fog you keep diving into, you loved me back…The thing is Julian, it hurts too much now. I can’t keep loving you if it hurts this much. I hope…”

“Clark.”

“I hope you get help and stick with it this time. I hope they send you someplace other than Dalton because it’s so obvious that whatever it is they’re doing there and whoever you’re stuck with there isn’t helping you at all. You deserve it.”

“Clark, wait. About what I said I’m—”

“I don’t want to hear it. I’ve heard it before. And I can’t keep trying to save you. Not anymore. Call me when you’re sober and you mean it, Julian. Goodbye.”

“Clark? No, no, no, no. Wait. Clark? Wait. Oh my god. You can’t. You can’t—Clark? Clark! Fuck!”

Clark Sawyer’s body shook as he slid from the couch to the floor. He dug the heel of his hands into his eyes but the tears kept gushing out of him. He wished he could smoke something. Feel good in a few huffs and sighs. Forget about what he just did. Even though he’d tried, over and over again, through the years to keep Julian from straying too far and saving him from himself, the guilt whipped him as if he’d abandoned Julian without having done any of that. He wanted to call back, retract everything he said, and asked for Julian over. He felt like if he hadn’t given up now, he could’ve still done something.

“It’s okay. You did the right thing,” Mikey murmured, arms winding around Clark’s heaving torso. “You already tried. You did all that you could.”

Clark clutched on Mikey’s arm and sobbed into it. “I still love him, Mikey. I still love him. Fuck. Why did I do that? I can’t leave him like that. He was trying to get my attention and I just hung up on him!”

“You did the right thing, Clark.” Raven sat down on the couch, hand on Clark’s shoulder. “You said so yourself, he never calls you when he’s sober. He only needs you when he’s horny, when he’s high, or when he’s horny and he’s not high. You said so yourself, it’s like you’re not there unless he needs something from you.”

Clark nodded, face damp. His entire body felt like it was ripping itself apart by the seams, stitch by stitch to every heartbeat. “He needs someone. I can’t believe I just left him like that.”

“He has plenty of people,” Raven repeated. “He’ll be fine. He always end up fine, no matter what.”

“But what if tonight’s the night he won’t be fine and it’ll be my fault?” Clark whined.

“Clark, look at me.” Corey knelt in front of him. “Look at me.” He grabbed Clark’s head and his blurry face came into view. “What he does to himself is his fault, not yours. You’re not responsible for him, okay? I know you love him, but that doesn’t mean you have to be the one who has to rehabilitate him. You’re a person and he’s been using you. What you told him was hard, but maybe it’s the kick in the balls he needs. Understand?”

Clark nodded. Corey was right. His body was still trembling with grief for a relationship that could’ve been just all in his head, but Corey was right.

Corey kissed his forehead. “We’re right here with you. Sinny’s grabbing some pizza but he’ll be right back, okay? No drugs. Remember? We promised each other. Just pizza and soda.” Clark nodded again.

Mikey tightened his grip and Clark let himself sob, hoping to be rid of it all once his face had dried up and he was nothing more than just a congested lump with pizza in his hand. He knew it wouldn’t be that quick. He still itched to call Julian back and make sure he was okay. He watched Raven leave the room with his phone. He was too weak to fight for it, even if he could’ve won no matter what. This was for the best. He just hoped he was going to see Julian on the other side of this too.

**Author's Note:**

> Song I listened to on repeat when I wrote this:  
> Call Me When You're Sober by Evanescence  
> \+   
> I didn't have time to write it or the braincells but this does end up with Julian sobering up after this and after Haven releases an angry song about him with Clark singing lead and then they find each other again during an event and catch up and they're both sober and it's actually really nice. Alternatively, Clark hears there's trouble at the Dalton Reform School (because that's how CP writes this verse) and he's there to save Julian but then leaves the second the dust had settled and Julian tells him he's trying for real this time and Clark trusts him. They share a smile and then he leaves and THEN they find each other again and catch up and fall in love all over again.


End file.
